I was just interviewed on an online radio show I want all of you single women to know about. Yvonne Chase created the show—Conversations with Coach Yvonne—to empower single women in every area of life…money being one of those areas. You can listen to my interview with her, along with all her previous shows at http://www.availableandhappy.com
But the point of this blog, being single myself, is a burning question I had for Yvonne, something that’s been plaguing me for years. Who pays for the first date?
“I always offer to pay,” she told me. “You’re not in a relationship yet. I wouldn’t expect a girlfriend to pay.”
I used to feel exactly the same. After my divorce 5 years ago, I would always lunge for the check on the first date. It was my way of marking my territory, making sure he understood that I’m a strong, independent woman. I even got offended if he insisted on paying
About a year ago, however, my attitude changed dramatically. I’m not sure why, either. Now, I like it when a man pays the bill. No, I love it. (This feels kind of embarrassing to admit.) I don’t feel this makes me any less independent. I certainly offer to pay on subsequent dates. But it feels so good to be courted.
In fact, I recently had a first date with a very cute guy. But when the check came, he made no attempt to reach for it. Nor did I. Finally, after 20 minutes, I did something that could be construed as manipulative. I went to the bathroom. Lo and behold, he had paid the bill by the time I returned
You know something? That one experience so colored my feelings, I only went out with him a few more times…all of which I paid for, of course!!
Am I being old fashioned?
Barbara Stanny 
November 8, 2007 at 1:13 am
Considering that most men earn considerably more than women, even within the same profession, I think being a little old fashioned when it comes to paying for the bill is fine. I’m in my mid-30’s, and I find it refreshing to find a guy who try to pay for the first date.
November 8, 2007 at 7:38 pm
Thanks so much for your comment, Katherine! My question for you…Would you feel the same if you knew he made significantly less than you???
November 9, 2007 at 6:03 pm
That’s a tough one. If I knew that he made significantly less than me, then I’d make an attempt to pay for half of the bill and if he insisted on paying for it, then I’d let him, AFTER making him promise that we’d go Dutch or I’d take him out on the next date. I guess I’m also assuming that there’s an attraction on both sides, even if it’s just friendship.
November 11, 2007 at 5:09 pm
I’m a bit old fashioned when it comes to dating. I still believe a man should “court” a woman. So if we’re on a first date, then that means HE asked me out. Therefore, he needs to foot the bill. If he can’t afford it, I would be prepared to pay – but – it would significantly reduce the possibility of a second date.
I’m independent, self-sufficient, AND financially secure, but on the dating scene, I also know my place as a woman. He should know his too. If not, then we wouldn’t be compatible anyway. It has nothing to do with money, but more about the natural order of things. However, if we eventually became a monogamous couple, I would gladly share the expense of going out and having fun.
November 17, 2007 at 1:59 am
Barbara –
I’ve always been one to lunge for the check, as well! But lately I’ve been feeling really grateful if the man pays. Frankly, I feel grateful any time I get a free meal! 🙂
I also read somewhere that men also appreciate it if you at least reach for your purse and attempt to try to pay, and don’t always EXPECT them to foot the bill (even though a lot of them will pick up the check anyway).
This also sounds like a great radio show – I’ll make sure to check it out.
November 19, 2007 at 8:56 pm
Do you think age has anything to do with our attitude? I wonder if women under 35 feel as “old fashioned” as women who are in their 40’s or 50’s?
November 20, 2007 at 7:47 pm
I’m 29 years old and I (and almost all my friends who are approximately the same age) believe that a man should pay the bill. In fact, if they don’t reach for it or try to shrug it off there will be no second date!
November 20, 2007 at 8:35 pm
Very interesting, Leanne. Thanks for responding. I’m curious…do you, or anyone else, think that the man paying for the first date is a tradition that should be preserved, despite women’s changing role?? Or should it go the way of the girdle??
November 20, 2007 at 11:34 pm
I definately don’t think it should go the way of the girdle!!!
Just like I don’t think holding a door for a woman or offering a seat on a bus to a woman should go by the wayside.
It really isn’t an issue of pay equity to me. It’s an issue of manners and behaving in a civilized manner — something that seems to somehow have become optional, to the detriment of us all. I personally feel sorry for the young women of today who have to fight to receive any amount of chivalry from a man.
The way I look at it is, if a man isn’t willing to do these small courtesies for another person, then he’s really not worth my time. He’s probably got a lot of other areas in life where he doesn’t think it’s important to behave respectfully either.
Now — when it comes to a date he would have asked me to go anyway. If he wants to foster a romantic relationship, he should pay with no expectations. After the relationship is established, I’d be more willing to pay part of the time. If it’s destined to be friendship only, then we would go dutch.
Oh, yes – and I’m 39.
November 21, 2007 at 6:33 pm
I feel your passion around this subject, Gina. I’m definitely leaning in your direction. But allow me to play devil’s advocate…because I struggle with this in my mind all the time. And I’d love to hear your (or anyone elses) response.
Isn’t chivalry, and the gestures we consider good manners, based on the notion that women are frail, helpless, and submissive? I mean, if he were with a male friend, would he even consider standing when he arrived at the table, pulling out his chair,and then insist on paying every time?
My question is this. Do “good manners” reinforce women’s helplessness? Or am I being a bit too extreme??
November 21, 2007 at 7:28 pm
I definitely think that a man paying should be preserved! Men and women should be equal – I am well educated and have a successful career and believe that being a woman should have no bearing on how I am perceived in the world. Having said that though, I am still a woman and a man is still a man and we are different creatures.
I don’t believe that chivalry implies that I am frail, helpless or submissive. Rather, that I am worthy of special treatment because I am a sister/wife/mother.
Another comment I often hear from friends (both men and women) is that women typically spend a lot more time and money getting ready. Makeup, hair and clothing tend to be far more expensive for women… and it may often take us upwards of one hour to prepare/invest for dates. So it’s only fair that men invest for dates.
November 26, 2007 at 9:23 pm
I really appreciate what you wrote, Leanne. In fact, after reading your comments, I had a mini epiphany. Men and women ARE different…and these little gestures (like paying the check or opening our door) are an opportunity to honor and value our difference without demeaning either of us.
I’m actually surprised that everyone seems to agree with you too! Any opposing views??????
December 7, 2007 at 5:03 am
As much as I’ve offered to pay for dates, I never have…the men always pay. I’ve realized that men like to see women make the effort after all, it’s a first date and neither of us know each other. When I suggest women offer to pay, I was referring to first dates only. If she feels like offering at another time, why not? I have never paid for a date that I didn’t create.
Once a woman is in a committed relationship, I think it’s a really nice gesture for her to plan and pay for a date from time to time. Men like to be treated too.
February 2, 2008 at 12:39 pm
[…] Who pays on the first date? [Barbara Stanny] When it comes to dating, I’m a little old fashioned so you can probably guess what my answer would be. […]
April 14, 2008 at 9:21 pm
I think the guy should pay… without a dubt.
May 15, 2008 at 5:24 pm
every woman has a little “ho” in them. even though she’s more than capable of paying, by asking him to pay, she’s testing her “marketability.” you all wanna know if he thinks you’re “worth” at least dinner.
November 13, 2008 at 10:18 am
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December 28, 2008 at 1:01 am
ywyefhbmtrwwhuplwell, hi admin adn people nice forum indeed. how’s life? hope it’s introduce branch 😉